Sunday, October 11, 2009

The great mystery: God loves me

The ugly truth reveals itself once again: God isn’t enough for me. I know and believe in his love, and everything he’s promised, but I still go out looking for more. Why isn’t it enough? Instead of looking to God to fill me, I seek out others. And they let me down, miserably, almost every time.

And it’s not as simple as saying, “turn to God”. I do, and then he does what he always does: sends a flat-out miracle to me right in the middle of my day. It makes me feel so unworthy and awful for being this needy, unloving sinner that simply can’t be totally satisfied with God. What is wrong with me?

I wish for once God gave me what I deserve instead of showing me so much grace and love that my poor decayed heart can’t take. He has proven over and over that he alone is enough, but I still hold on. And I’m holding on to what? To “friendships” (when I can’t even really love others the way they love me)? To my dreams (when I see how God has much better plans for me)? To wanting approval from others (when I know they don’t even know who I really am)? Why do I think these things will be better than God? That they will be better than my Jesus, who listens to my every pleading and act of desperation, and responds by doing things that scream “I WANT YOU” to me?

I am not a good person. I take God for granted, and waste his love by prancing off hoping to find something that I think God can’t give me. I wish he would just take them away for me (but I really don’t mean that).

Jesus deserves better.

1 comment:

  1. Ruth, I think everyone under-appreciates God. I think there are two solutions:

    1. Ascesis (taking things away from yourself)

    2. Living in the constant presence of God.

    Ascesis helps with #2