Saturday, May 30, 2009

On the road again

I’m driving home (Fayetteville, NC) today. I’m looking forward to it, because it’s such a nice day, and an even nicer day to have a lot of time to think. But hopefully some of it will be about field training. I have a little less than 3 weeks until I go, and some days I feel prepared, others, not so much. Hopefully when I’m actually there, I will feel ready. I still have to read my Field Training Manual (FTM) about 50 times, memorize it, read my Airman’s Manual, iron and fold my clothes, pack everything, then repack it, make sure I have all my gear and whatnot, work on my "command voice", practice ALL the procedures, finish my prayer booklet, do push-ups, sit-ups, flutter-kicks, lunges, jumping-jacks, body-builders, and run then run some more, and get some vaccines. Oh, that last one. I really don’t like shots/needles, but I figured I should get it done before I get there because that would be SO much worse!! Even though I’m obliviously not ready to go tomorrow, I feel like it may not be that bad. Ok, I told myself to stop trying to figure out how it’s gonna be and just prepare for anything. Ahhh, ok, so I’m about to go running.

Today, when I get home, I’ll also get to see the destruction my brother has caused in the house. My theory is that because he has no baseball or job to occupy his time, he has decided to remodel the house. His first victim: our bathroom. From what I’ve heard he has taken down all the tile (thus making the shower unusable) and has started on the wallpaper. The toilet has been disconnected from the water supply, so only the sink is operational. I’ve also been told everything has been moved to my bedroom. I think I’m going to call a friend and see if I can stay with her. I’m happy he is fixing it up though, that bathroom really needs help. I think next he wants to get new flooring for the entire downstairs and re-do the kitchen. Hopefully I’ll get to see it finished before school starts. Now on to running!

Happy summer!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Why worry about anything???

Today and tonight was exactly what I needed. Driving back to my apartment, I got the feeling I get when I’m flying, and the world makes sense again. I watched Donnie Darko tonight, which is a really cool movie, if you can stand the language and crude jokes. But anyway, it got me thinking if real life could be like that. Could real life be so intertwined and connected and everything hinges on one thing or one thing hinges on everything. Then it hit me: real life is even better!!

I don’t know why it takes me so long to come back to the exact same conclusion I came to a few months ago, only to lose focus again, and then come right back again. But at least I come back.

Driving back I was looking at all the trees and thought about how God made them. Everything in this world and beyond the world God created. God has never and will never abandon His creation. He is with those trees and each and every leaf on them. But even more so, He is with me and with all of us. I realized tonight that God’s great plan for the world includes a great plan for me, as well as a great plan for everyone I’ve ever met. And even if we wanted to, we can’t mess it up. God has considered all things. God is so brilliant and it always shocks me when I realize this, which only tells me how hard-headed I am. Again and again He proves to me how much He is with me, keeping me exactly where He wants me and when. Things I may not have understood in the past have always come to light, as long as I keep going where He leads. And even now, the things I still question, like why it has taken me so long to get my pilot’s license or why I am too short to be an Air Force pilot, doesn’t bother me anymore because I know I will get my reasons later. God has never abandoned me. In fact, He has only shown Himself more and more to me. If there is only one thing in this world I could ever be sure of it is that God exists and knows EXACTLY what He is doing. The more I learn about God the more I see His master plan, and it is so beautiful that words would never be able to describe it. I’m so thankful to be a part of it, no matter how small. God is amazing and my life is His.

Peace and love!

Sunday, May 24, 2009


I don't like feeling like I'm losing someone. It's like I just said "told you so" to myself. Ugh, I feel so messed up sometimes.

Getting to know someone is painful for me. Even just one personal conversation with you forever links me to you, and I could never forget. I have given at least a little of myself to you and you can do whatever you want with it. I hate thinking of all those people in my life I used to be close with or have great memories with and I couldn't even tell you where they are right now. There are so many. Maybe my problem is not being able to stop loving someone. And I know this as I'm meeting you, talking to you, hanging out with you. I also know it will end, just like all my past friends. It haunts me.

A friend of mine doesn't seem to have this problem. She is open, honest and herself with everyone she meets, even if it's someone in the cereal aisle. I wish I could be like that. Instead I find it almost impossible to be completely open with someone. On the very few occasions I have been, the connection fades with time and nothing really comes from it. And what was I expecting anyway? It just gets tiring bouncing from person to person, adding and subtracting friends, but none really staying constant. I can see why marriage and family are so important. They are supposed to be constant and close. I'm sort of in between families right now, and I can see how some people go crazy.

Friday, May 22, 2009

May 22nd

Today is a big day. Although I seem to be having a lot of those lately, this one is calendar worthy. Today, about 3 hours ago, my mom started her journey to Kuwait. About this time tomorrow she’ll be there. For four days she’ll be “climatized” and any final training will be done, then she’ll travel to southern Iraq, where she will be stationed for the next ten months. It’s hard to believe this is really happening. Just six months ago, she was still a BED (behavioral and emotionally disturbed) teacher, who visited about seven different schools a week. She hardly had any contact with the Army at all. Now she is going to join the 34th Infantry Division. They are a National Guard unit out of Minnesota. I’ll be praying every day for her, but I know she’ll be alright.

Today is also the sixth anniversary of my confirmation. May 22nd is becoming a day that means so much. May 22nd also happens to be the feast day of my patron saint, Saint Rita of Cascia. When I realized this “coincidence” over six years ago, I knew it was meant to be. Saint Rita, the patron saint of the impossible and of lost causes, has been there for me more times than recordable, and I know that this day proves once again she’ll be watching out for me. That is how I know my mom will be fine. Of all the days, it’s May 22nd, and what a beautiful day it will be!

Please pray for my mom. She will most assuredly need the prayers.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Scottish Heritage

How cool are bagpipes? It might be the neatest instrument. How did anyone come up with an instrument that looks like this?? I think it looks like a ship, with the sails down. But what is even cooler, is the sound it produces. No other instrument sounds like it, and the notes blend together very nicely to make loud, flowing and unique music. It reminds me of a river, calm in places, but then it narrows in places, and expands, and will run over rocks or down a cliff. It just sounds amazing!

I got to listen to the John Mohr Mackintosh Pipes & Drums at the graduation for Lagrange College this morning. They are from Atlanta. I really enjoyed seeing them in the traditional Scottish dress (have you seen the socks??) and they also marched around in formation. It made me proud to be Scottish!

It looks difficult to play the bagpipes. But I still think it would be cool to learn. I would have to learn a circular breathing technique, so the bag is always full of air (this is also used in playing a didgeridoo). I’ll be on the lookout for lessons, even though I’ve never seen them offered. What a shame! Either way, I’ve decided that I will have bagpipes play “Amazing Grace” at my funeral.

Peace and love!

Thursday, May 14, 2009


I’ve never really thought too deeply about my friendships until recently. I would definitely like certain people over others and would be grateful for the friends that I could talk to about what was troubling me or them, but I never really distinguished in my head if I was a good friend, or if they were a good friend. As long as we weren’t mad at each other (which rarely happened), I didn‘t spend much thought on it.

Since I’ve come to Auburn, my relationships consume a large part of my thoughts (with no thanks to Facebook). I can now hang out with anyone I want, at practically any time. At first I thought this was great, I finally get to choose my friends, instead of being forced to be with people I’d rather not be with, but now I’ve realized that this may not be good for me. I’ve begun to think too hard about my friendships, and sometimes get frustrated if they aren’t everything I’ve decided they should be. I go in cycles of feeling great, wanted, and liked, to utter loneliness and feeling as if no one really knows who I am.

Does anyone know who I am? When I’m with my friends, I’ve observed how I ask them questions and listen to them talk, and only add my advice or own stories if I felt the need to. Hardly ever do I feel like I depart with them knowing me better. Again, I used to never think about this. My main goal in conversations was to understand them. I mean, I know all about me! Why would I talk about things that they don’t really care to hear about anyway? And I was fine with this thinking until I fell into one of my cycles. Now I do seem to care.

But first I must ask myself: Is it important for people to know who I am?

I’m led to believe that if people did know me better it would help me feel more understood, and in turn, less distant, but I also wonder if I am being selfish. I’ve been reading The Imitation of Christ by Thomas A. Kempis and it warns against having too-close of friendships. “Have charity for all: but familiarity is unwise. …sometimes we think we please others by our presence, when in reality they come to dislike us because of the faults they see in us.” I can definitely see how this is true for others, not all others, but some. When so-and-so leaves everyone says “finally!”, or they talk about how they are so arrogant or whatever. If this is true for others, it is also probably true for me. So not only do people not know me, but they also dislike me! I see where this is going quickly.

Even so, I love my friends and depend on them all the time. I do wish to be closer with some people, and I think that’s natural. I guess what I’m going to try is not building up my friendships in my head. I just need to let them be what they are, and not strangle them to death. I’ll still be there for my friends, but I won’t be so needy and pushy. I don’t know if this will ever happen, but I can pray for it!

Love and peace!