Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The world wouldn't understand

Today was the last day of classes. All I have left to overcome is three finals then I can start focusing on other things. This past semester and more specifically, past weekend, I’ve become aware of how awkward and uncomfortable I really am. For the most part, at the beginnings of friendships I do alright, but then there comes a point when things change. It happens fairly soon, and from what I gather, it doesn’t happen to other people. In fact, with others, their “point” is one of instant understanding: something that takes their friendship deeper. This doesn’t happen to me. At my “point” I seem to hit a wall. I can have the best intentions, be really excited about getting to know someone, but no matter who it is or how I know them, there comes along that point.

Even if its not noticeable by others (which I think depends on the personality of the other person) I always feel it. It’s a sense of, well, what do we do now? It’s not that I’m not interested, maybe its that I just don’t know how things are supposed to naturally go, which would show that its hard for me to do anything “naturally”.

It gets a bit frustrating, especially since I always sense a certain something lacking with whoever it is I‘m getting to know, but having no clue what that could be. I feel I make people uncomfortable and feel misunderstood, which turns our potentially great friendship into one that never gets to an efforted one (where you plan to hang out instead of running into each other). Could it also be that I’m intimidating?

I find myself blaming it on never really having a “normal” development example to show me how things go. Instead I’m out in the world pretending to have social skills that I really haven’t got a clue about. No one even gets my jokes…


  1. I think you probably overestimate others' ability to feel comfortable right away in relationships. Most people I know have slow starts and backtracks; it often takes time.

    Good luck on your finals.

  2. After meeting you, I don't think you're intimidating at all. If anything I find myself feeling like that, like people are hesitant to talk to me. It sounds like you're thinking about this too much, if you click with someone you click. Be yourself, that is what you are best at. By the way, you're jokes are funny.