Thursday, December 17, 2009

Story of my life

It was a rare rainy February day in the Californian desert and I needed to be born. I was past due. But I wasn’t ready. Instead I was a brat and turned around, insisting on not coming out. That’s right, I became breech after I was supposed to be born. My poor mother. The nurses tried to turn me around. My mother remembers it being quite uncomfortable and that she was becoming irritated as I refused to get in the proper position. I liked where I was. It was warm, cozy, safe. I like to think I knew what they were trying to do: rip me from the place I came to know and love, and introduce me to blinding light, cold metal surfaces and a world I wouldn’t like very much. Why would I make it any easier for them to do that? I’ve always been suspicious of people.

Finally, after hours of pressuring me to turn around, I eased my mom’s suffering and gave in to their demands. I was born. And thus began everything I’ve ever known. I often wish I had stayed in my cocoon of comfort.

After 20 years of trying to make this living-in-the-world thing work, I am still not ready for the world. I will wait and do everything in my power to postpone the inevitable, but still, I will be introduced to the world. Whether I like it or not.

Why is it hard for me to accept things? Why is it hard for me to not question and suspect that the worse will happen? I think it all comes back to my lack of trust in God. Why is it so hard for me to keep going when, what looks like a cliff, is quickly approaching? I think “God, please save me". Then I sit back and wait (and in what I feel like, is complete reliance on God). Well, sometimes He comes, but sometimes He lets me fall right off that cliff. Is it because I screwed up somewhere, either in not trusting Him or just failing to do what He told me to do? Or could it be that this is what He planned for me all along? Am I supposed to say, “Ok, this must be your will” or instead say “Lord, I am a miserable wreck and deserve to fail because I sinned against you”?

I really don’t know. I have no idea where to go, or how to feel. I want to trust in God so much, but it’s hard when I can’t prepare for what He’s doing to me. I’m sure it has a lot to do with my own failings. Why does everything have to be so hard? Can I go back to my safe womb now? This isn’t fun anymore.

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