The silent calm

For the first time in a long while, I feel strangely calm. I don’t have this sense to change everything in my life and do it all at once. I feel really good about where I am.

I think sometimes God tells us to just keep on doing what we’re doing, because that’s what I’m getting right now. It isn’t that He has stopped leading, maybe it’s that I’ve stopped resisting. I talked to my mom last night. It was the first time I really talked to her about field training. After catching her up on some highlights of that month, she asked about when I would submit my packet to the pilot selection board. And for the first time I explained, without crying, rage, or extreme frustration, that I will never be a pilot. I said again that there are no waivers for height, and that being a pilot is no longer an option for me. For the first time, I accepted it when others have not. It is not my place to question God’s plan. I have to do what He says and believe in the Truth. All other fantasies I may dream up from that, I must let go.

It’s not an easy path, at least it hasn’t been for me. God has asked me to do many hard things, and sometimes I feel as if I’m not strong enough to endure them. I wonder if God is making a mistake by calling me to some situations. What do I have to offer? I think others can always do a better job than me, and say much more eloquently what I’ve been rambling on about. He has made me slow down. I have had to be still and silent so many times in order to feel His tapping, and barely make out His whisper. But those are the times He knew I would be listening closely. Whenever I’m on a crazy roller coaster with the tracks in the wrong direction, God has thrown Himself at me and has shown me miracles. He knew only that could have caught my attention at the time.

I can’t question anymore. If I did, I would be the biggest idiot in the world. I’m going to wait and see where He takes me. It’ll be much better than anything I can think up anyway.

Lord of peace, enter this house.