(with fear and trembling) The Litany of Humility:

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…
Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930),
Secretary of State for Pope Saint Pius X


I admit, I even read this powerful prayer with hesitation. I’m scared of it. I’m scared of what it suggests, and what it demands. I do not yet know how to pray this sincerely, and I know that’s a problem.

Today I had a glimpse of what it would be like to live in this frame of mind. It is to be punched in the face, run over, and spat upon. And all the while asking for more. People want others to listen to their opinions (heck, I want everyone to agree with me!), have others see themselves in a certain way, and give them compliments about spiritual things (such as seeming holy or pointing out a great bible verse). The secular world is no different. They strive for wealth, power, esteem. If you don’t jump in the game, you automatically lose. They will crush you and consider it an easy victory. Being humble is a silent retreat of self that, if done right, no one should even notice!

This makes me cringe even more. It’s not that I want awards or praises on everyone’s tongue at the mention of my name. I don’t want to be famous, or even to seem the most (fill in the blank). I don’t need or want everyone to notice everything I do and say. But I don’t want no one to notice, either. It’s nice to feel appreciated and loved. “Deliver me Jesus, from the desire of being loved”? I can’t even say that out loud. And it’s because I want that so much.

And that’s where I start. Being humble is hard, but if I can get there, even just a little, I know I will be infinitely closer to heaven. If I have to drain myself from the desire of being loved and honestly pray that others be preferred to me in everything in order to please God, then that’s what I need to do. Has there really ever been baby steps into being a Catholic?

Have no fear of being thought insignificant or unbalanced, but preach repentance with courage and simplicity. Have faith in the Lord, who has overcome the world. His Spirit speaks in you and through you, calling men and women to turn to him and observe his precepts. You will encounter some who are faithful, meek, and well disposed; they will joyfully receive you and your words. But there will be more who are skeptical, proud, blasphemous, and who will insult you and resist your message. Prepare yourselves, therefore, to bear everything with patience and humility. -Saint Francis of Assisi